Who let's one go at 2 in the morning?

It's Monday. It's still gloomy outside. Regis and Kelly are still going on behind me. My beach picture wouldn't upload. It's Monday.

Can we talk about Guts? Like your inside Gut. I need to keep remembering how important and how right I am when I just listen to myself and shut out all the surrounding other noises. Dear Self, please listen to yourself more. It's important.

My gut told me something immediately on Friday night. That little voice that said, "Susie- this is feeling right". I met up with a guy, who I have been dating for the past month or two. I say "or two" because let's face it, he canceled on me 3Xs, never called when he was supposed to and the big ringinger, he let me drive home at 1:30 in the morning...Gut, I tell you, Gut. So anyway, I go to meet up with him- a friends house in Monroe, who's girlfriend is coming over later. In my mind, I'm thinking this dude is probably awesome, and pictured his girlfriend as way fabulous. Well, now- I was wrong. So my guy, meets me at my car and kisses me. It was wrong- he went for it, but it was wrong. Double wrong. I had a pit in my stomach- I felt it. Gut, was that you?

OH! Wait- the girlfriend- OH MAN- she's skinny white girl Rastafarian- who seemed like she was on drugs. CRAZY. So the night is going on, and my guy is attentive, cute, and supper cuddly. All I'm thinking is- do not give in, he's got to prove to you that he's not going to cancel, he's going to call and all I'm thinking when kissing is, "something just isn't the same, he's already messed this up".

Night was actually great. Besides my predicament. Fire pit, water, beers, hanging in the light breeze of spring. But then it was time to leave.

"Are you coming back to my house", he asks.

"um, do you want me to? It's a bit late" says me.

He's Pondering, cautious and replies, " No. How about you be at my house when you wake up. We'll go to the bridge, we'll go golfing and make a day of it".

"Great! I'll be there with coffee in hand by 11", says me kinda beaming... GUT- this is where I messed up. Should have listened. BUT before I go on, I must tell you the ENTIRE TIME he said how much he couldn't wait to show me his friends house, couldn't wait for me to come, so thankful that I was there...Gut- now you know why I was so conflicted.

The next morning happens. 10:15-

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done this to you. I still have feelings for my x. ..."

Notice there are a lot of "I" in there and that's not the entire message as I completely deleted it. I called. You can't just send a message- we're not 15, you call me.

He's conflicted, doesn't want to hurt me. He truly has feelings for his x and can't do anything with me because it wouldn't be true to himself. He listened to his Gut, why did I have a hard time doing so? I get it. Sure it hurts, he didn't pick me. I cried. I called on my friends. He didn't pick me. But it was there all along. Who let's one go at 1:30 in the morning?

Saturday night was better. I am so happy that I have found good solid friends. It's hard meeting girls to be friends with. Really really hard. And even harder to meet young, single men.

So now, I have a crush. I've had this crush since the moment I met him. Crush- total school girl crush. I can't even look at him without blushing. I'm shy- but I'm so not. I have garbage mouth the second I try and talk to him- I don't do that! I'm a strong, independant woman who goes after goals. I have a crush. Crap.

He's so cute though. He winks at me! Every time he does, I kinda melt a bit inside. He's super tall and strong, last night I actually went to bed thinking of how great it would be to have his arms wrapped around me. I DIE!

I have a crush : )

I'm ok. I'm better. I'm back. It's Monday, I will take this day and run with it.