Just keep breathing..

It's Summer. You'd think I'd be delirious with the thought of sunbathing, Cape Codding, and a whole bunch of relaxing. Well, this is me we're talking about so, No. I'm stressed out over everything.

I want to be someone's number one. I was reading my wonderfully delious books and the main character, when confronted with one whom she thought she could really see herself with, proclaims " I've got to be the number one person in your life, I can't compete". Ok, maybe she's a bit selfish, but she's right. I want to be some one's number one.

About a week ago, I had one of the best days this month. It was a dear friends wedding and I knew her brother (I've written about him before). Right then, I was his number one. The entire night. He'd whisper the sweet nothings, dance with me, tell me all that I wanted to hear. I went home with him. It was good. Not fabulous, but good. All the other wonderful intimate parts of sex came out- the holding, the touching- I haven't felt that close to someone in a very very long time. I relished in it.

Last weekend, I did the double day date. Played tennis with the Lawyer- I couldn't do it. I felt like I was making small talk. I couldn't relax. It felt like work just being in his presence. From there I saw Mr. Sweet Nothings. Sex was unbelievable. At least on my end. Again, the touching, the holding, the laying around thinking nothing and everything.

Now, the weirdness is setting in. I don't want to know that you're purchasing a television this week. I don't want to know that you're not feeling so good. I want. CROSS THAT. I NEED to be the number one. Small talk, everyday talk is what you do with someone that you're in a relationship with. He and I have said what ever happens happens. But let's face it- I'm a girl and when those feelings, impulses in the brain happen- it makes the rest of you crazy. Be the cool girl. Be truthful.

How do people get a significant other? I don' t understand this part. How do two people that I love, grow apart and able to move on to something/someone new so fast? What am I missing, what part of this am I not getting?

Where are my flowers, damn it?!

One of the reasons I like being single because I get to make all the decisions. Last night, two suitors were firing their texts away to me. I hate texting sometimes. I like them when I'm lonely on the road, but when my favorite tv show is on and I have a glass of wine, don't interrupt me, please.

So Suitor 1, we'll call the Lawyer asked me what I was doing tonight. I don't really have any plans- this weekend will be big, but I'm not REEAAALLY doing anything. So we made plans for a movie. I jumped. I jumped the decision.

Suitor 2- We'll call him Brother of a Friend (BoF). He just wants to get laid, wants me to drive him home from this weekend's wedding. I could be the "cool" girl and do it...or I could turn around and say, " You know what buddy, as much as I want to jump your bones- I want to be taken out properly. I want to be dated." I might lose a possibility to get laid, but seriously, what am I truly missing out on?

I woke up this morning and the first thought I has was, "I'd rather be home reading. I don't really want to go out with the Lawyer". mmmm...so after pondering and talking with a dear friend, maybe I need to take this by the horn (so to speak) and well make him work.

So I message him, told him I couldn't tonight. And he replies "That's too bad, I was looking forward to it" ... Damn. Damn. Damn. I think he's a little upset now, but seriously, if he really wants me he'll come a knockin' right?

I need to remember what it is I really want- A take no prisoner, take charge, awesome guy. Someone who takes the reins and plans things for me. Where are my flowers, damn it?

Psychic Powers

Ok, no judging.. So whilst waiting on the train platform yesterday, I was playing around with my Iphone. I have a horoscope app, which I like to read every once in a while. Well- there was this portion that said, " One free Question!"....hook, line and sinker...

Here's my question:
Will I fall in love and meet the right person for me this summer? (again, no judging!!)

The answer took almost 24 hours, and granted it's the most general statement, but made me think!

Hi Susie,
I am so glad you have sent me your question. It is an important one and the number one concern we all share, to be in a good, fulfilling and happy relationship, feeling safe and secure with our partner. Isn't that every girls dream deep down? See, very often a reading conveys what you already know in your heart, Susie. OH crap...That is particularly so when we look at this situation as it is- That I'm not dating and currently way too single? May I remind you that you have an inner voice to which you can choose to listen to or not. All you need to know is right in front of you and it would be wise to follow your intuition.

Ok, Ok, I've been trying to listen to that little voice inside of me-What the situation is...following my gut...well, I got rid of N the Dick...that totally needed to be done- I don't' even feel bad about it. He called last night, you know. Trying to act all business like, finishing the call by saying, " All right, take care now, please out of courtesy, let me know what's up"

But what is going on? There seems to be something that's blocking your success, Susie. It seems there is something you need to learn. I have seen this image often appear when a client lacks confidence and needs to accept themselves as they are first, before seeking a soul mate or committing more deeply to a relationship. If that is the case, and only you know if this rings true, be bold and accept that you deserve what you desire.

Well, that's a part of my goal this year- Love myself more. Sure, I lack a self confidence and always trying to accept myself each day but I'm trying every day to love myself more. Be bold. Mmm...Be bold...that's one to think about.

Looking at a possible outcome I feel that making a small change in one area of your life would affect a change on a grander scale. Why not try it out. You have so many options, just look at them carefully and be creative! You know in your heart what you want, go for it Susie!
I can offer you to explore this issue further in a personal reading with either me or one of my gifted and caring colleagues. We are here to help guide you toward happiness in love. Take me up on this offer click on the button below to create your account and see the many trusted ad visors available to speak with you. Make your choice and you are on your way to a ten minute psychic reading for only $1! Susie, an offer with a great value. Call today!

Options, options, options...What if I really don't know what my options are? Small change...mmmm....

Ok..small change, I challenge myself all next week- I'm travelling to KC to do some interviewing with potential sales reps. I Challenge myself to eat dinner alone at a fancy restaurant in the area, I challenge myself to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee somewhere populated in the morning....then we re-access...

What's it worth...

Dear Self,

What's it worth? Is it worth the aggrivation? Is it worth the feeling so crappy? Would you rather feel like this the rest of your life or would you like to fly and be forever fabulous?

Thanks for thinking,
Susie

I thought I was doing the right thing; answering an Ex. Ding Dong- NOPE. Despite ranging hormones, I answered. Instead of feeling joyful, I got " Susie, do you know what you did?" " Susie, put yourself in my shoes", "Susie, you really have no idea what you did"..

If you're asking, "Susie, what did you actually do?"...I'll tell you.

During post break-up, I was asked to send back a piece of clothing. I yeah yeahed and said I would, said I did- just so I could get this person out of my life. Well, you guessed it- I never sent it and when I moved, I donated it. Fuck him. He was being a pest. Sure I was immature about it but WHATEVER it was almost 4 years ago..we're still going to drag this on?

His answer to me was the lying. He couldn't deal with the fact that I had lied about sending his piece of clothing. If it was lying about cheating, that be one thing. And sure, this is a bit of the stealing..but really? REALLY? Who died and made him a Christian?

I had a fantastic weekend, a great class last night. He decides to text message me. Can't even man up and call to say he is still angry with me. Ruins my entire night. I still don't understand, this is being blown 100% out of porportion. So I asked myself this moring, is it worth putting up with all this nonsense? Because that's all it is- nonsense. And my answer is NO.

So I deleted all senses of him. He needs to grow up, get a life and I'm moving on. This is ridiculous and guess what- I had a hard time orgasming with him anyway. Any you really know what- (this is a good one)...I remember how horrible it was when he found out how many people I slept with. How he went to the Dr because he was convinced that I had something wrong. That I smelled wrong. TOXIC...DEAR SELF- NOTE TO SELF>..WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT AGAIN?

I rest my case. I'm done.

Happy Birthday To Me!

27. I am 27 today. Holy Cow.

Last night, whilst driving home from Yoga, I decided that I wanted to make a NEW list. It's going to be a list of what I would like to accomplish this year- now that I am 27.

To love myself even more then I did at 21, 25, or even at 26
To say "no" and mean it
To purchase something BIG (new car, new home)
To take care of my body better
To Fall in Love with everyone
Find the best in people
Buy a kyack
Get on a team sport
Meet someone new
While travelling, do something I've never done before
To be alright and accept my alone times
Indulge once in a while
read more
school
Figure out London
Be fabulous
walk a dog
Do something alone and walk away better about myself
No purchasing "just cause"
To love my brother more
To love my parents more


When my mom was 27 she was pregnant with me. When one of my best friends was 27, she was getting married. I'm 27 today and I'm alone. I'm not so alone, but figuratively, I'm alone. I'm fabulous, I have a career, I have love all will be alright. 27 will be a big one...I got this...