Focusing on Today

Well, I woke up this morning, after a long night of reading and thinking, dreaming and pondering- and can't get out of my head how sexually crazed I am right now. Like electrified to the 9th degree. I could take care of it myself. It's empowering, it's something that I find myself saying: "I don't need a man to fulfill that need, I can do it alone". But now I'm asking- what's the sense in that- I'm putting out the vibe that I don't need a man! BRAKES ON! SCREAMING HALT!

Needing and wanting are two different ideologies. A friend asked me today, " what are you're needs, today?". I honeslty have no clue, no goal, no real, "this is what I am doing today". I know that I have to pick up last minute gifts, read, yoga later today, etc. But nothing saying "I am doing this!" Instead, I find I get fustrated. I'm fustrated that I'm alone, I'm fustrated that little things are bothering me, I'm fustrated that there are things to do and I don't want to do them- I'm sensing my tantrum coming on any minute.

So let's get back to needs- 3 big ones: Food, Water and Oxygen, right? Well, maybe there's a little more to it- what about the other parts of life that make you happy? The emotional, the sexual and the physical parts of the day? You need those too, right? I'm not allowing myself to say "I don't know" anymore. I do know- I just have to look harder.

Everyday, I do something. Most of the time it's work related. Well now finding myself towards the end of the year, I find myself asking, desiring more. More "out theres", more "differents". What is something I did last year and how I can do the complete opposite? FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. I can do this. This year, I'm going to Yoga, I'm dedicated myself to keep that white light bouncing out of my inner self. This year, I'm going to take all the risks I encounter. This year I'm going to get out there. Stop asking what out there is, and just do it. It's probably, MOST OF THE TIME, the most uncomfortable things to do- but suck it up- do it.... I can do this.

Today, my energy is out there. I realized I got a little crazy- over the top. Chill. Just chill- it'll be fine.

I'm dreaming tonight...

"What you are thinking now is creating you future life. You create your life with your thoughts. Because you are always thinking, you are always creating. What you think about the most or focus on the most, is what will appear as your life. Like all the laws of nature, there is utter perfection in this law. You create your life. Whatever you sow, you reap! You thoughts are seeds, and the harvest you reap will depend on the seeds you plant."

Today is fantastic. There is snow on the ground, it's bitter cold, the holidays upon us and it is truly wonderful.

Here is what I'm thinking, creating right now:

-Boys (ok only one)

-Love

-Living (to apartment or not to)

-Love

-Family

-Love

-Happiness

-Fulfillment in what I do today

My Boy list:

Kind

Fun

Funny

Intelligent

Light eyes

Light hair

Somewhat of a built (not a Jersey Shore guy!)

Can pack up and just go

Quirky

Clark Kent

My Apartment List:

View (possibly of water)

A gorgeous kitchen for me to attempt to cook

A room to work, A room to read, A room to sleep and have sex in, A room to watch horrible television, A room to create in, A room to believe in, A room to learn to cook in

A balcony

Something within my price range

My Work List

- To love what I do

-To play with shoes all day

-To communicate to my best and learn that I may not always be right

-Be better everyday

-Accomplished

My Happiness Plan:

-Bring back Sundays (read, never leave the house, bed, animals, no getting out of slippers, red wine, chocolate, Yoga)

-Smile Often

-Say "please" and "thank you" more and be gracious

-Say "I love you" often

-Go to Yoga and love what I see in the mirror

-Do not be around those who have negative thoughts

-Believe in the white light which exudes from my body

-Keep Hope alive inside of me

I am creating. Every thought which came from my brain was consciously typed and being believed.

I Dare you..

I did it. I did something so different today and I can not stop laughing. Here's what, with a little help and a dare, was posted this afternoon:



MEMO: For Internal Use Only

TO: All Eligible Men of NYC (ages 25-32)

FROM: An Ambitious Blonde

RE: Looking for "Holidates"



Do you have corporate parties, client soirees, or other family events which you need a date?

SO DO I!

Let's trade events and pack our holiday calenders!

No "extras" involved unless we hit it off, if not, let's just appear to be taken!



Specifically Looking for:

Someone taller then 5 ft 8 but not a giant

Able to hold a conversation and act interested in horrible conversation

Can suck it up and wear an ugly sweater but own a fantastic looking suit and tie

Be gracious and not rude or too sarcastic

Intelligent

Witty

Good Hygiene

Must not carry a toothpick in pocket!



Looking forward,

Blonde Ambition



That's a biggy. A good dare. My favorite response was first from a super super hot 34 year old and the second is from a much older man whom laughed and thought it was so very clever. I emailed both, awaiting response. Will update- have the post up for 7 days!! I asked our older gentleman to pay if forward, post to his colleagues, see if any of them have the guts or intelligence to email me!

A New Day

Let's re-establish new beginnings, shall we?

Its been over a month since my last post and since that last post I've been caught up in what at the time, was a bad decision. Good news is that I was able to get rid of the bad decision much quicker then I might have in the past.

I was able to listen to my intuition much clearer then ever before. Even though there was a consequence as soon as I was able to really be in tune and listen to myself I was able to get back on track and fast. It was a mistake, caught up in the moment, mistake. We breathe, we relax and we begin again.

Today is a big day. Not only do I have my one and only boss lady coming to NYC but my Australian CFO and complete hotty. A 40 yr old very hot man, with an accent running around NYC with a Blonde- not sure if that's a good combination, but hey, for the day I'll be with the beautiful people and live in the moment.

I will be strong today. I will be myself today. I will be beautiful, lovely, polite and be able to show the beautiful people why I am so good at what I do and most importantly, I will believe every word. I will remember please and thank you and smile a lot today.

What I do..there's a lot right now. I also realized a passion. Teaching it is not. I can teach- or more importantly have fun and create dances filled with intricacies, cannons and lines but to fully be a teacher- I have no passion for...to be an artist and create, write, express, and impute into my daily job- that is what I have a passion for. To teach others the passion of dance and dancer needs...I will keep teaching, but slowly I have been able to eliminate and realize my passions. It truly feels good to say that.

Now onto doing something different. New goal, each day for the next two weeks, I will do something different...

Today drive to the city, wear sexy high heels, motorcycles jacket, new nail polish, reports printed, I'm ready to conquer.

Different...

I'm not going to do the usual "me thing to do".

He's awesome. A little more frisky then I, but really nice in a home grown kinda way. There's a lot I still do not know. A lot. Ohio, Jersey, way older sibling. I feel a story- possibly a character from a Jonathan Trooper novel. If you haven't read him, he's hysterical and I highly recommend!!

Well, I'm still not going to do the usual "me thing to do".

List of things going on in life:
Work
Travelling into city to meet dancers this week
Putting together warm-up and combinations for first day of teaching classes
Friends
Yoga, at least 3x this week
Errands (dry cleaning, car, ups...)
Dance class

That's a lot...he's got to be the bonus in my week. In order for him to be the bonus, he's got to realize I travel. He's got to realize the choices I made for a reason. I chose and do the things I do for a reason.

Possibilities. Looking inside oneself and the possibilities are endless..what the hell is that suppose to mean...

New Goals:
Apartment: I want to not compromise my lifestyle so much. I wish for an apt, in that I can keep my car, be close to the city and see the river.

Boyfriend: Clark Kent/ Superman combo. Awesome, down to earth guy, who appreciates me and what I've done in my life. Someone who makes me laugh uncontrollably, who is hot (to me), silly, adventurous, smart, wonderful...see first few entries : )

Get out of debt. I half way did it. I still have a road to go, but am seeing the light. I can do this. I can soo do this.

Be Happy
Be Healthy. Getting teeth done- it's time.

It's time to be different. It's time to relax, realize my reach-able goals. Short and long term. Go with the flow. Stay true to who I am. Relax, grow, I can do this...

A Realization..

"Clark Kent adopted a largely passive and introverted personality, applying conservative mannerisms a higher-pitched voice, and a slight slouch. This personality is typically described as "mild-mannered," perhaps most famously by the opening narration of Max Fleischer's Superman animated theatrical shorts. These traits extended into Clark's wardrobe, which typically consists of a softly-colored business suit, a red necktie, black-rimmed glasses (which in Pre-Crisis stories had lenses of Kryptonian material that would not be damaged when he fired his heat vision through them), combed-back hair and, occasionally, a fedora."

- thank you Wikipedia : )

I need to remember, it's not that I wish to find specifically the dark hair, light eyes and rimmed glasses man. It's the intelligent, funny, quirky, and humble personality in a man that I wish to find. I'm sure every girl would love to be whisked away by a Superman or even a Batman, but I am realizing, Superman and Batman do not last. The importance of Clark Kent is his awesome personality and his alter-ego, the hotness of Superman comes second.

I'm sure, like me, you in your 20s go out with girlfriends. You see a guy at the bar- the guy who knows his shit don't stink. You're attracted to him- he knows it. You date him. His hots wear away, you go through a quick up and down with him and all of a sudden your single again. You find yourself asking, "what happened?" "what did I do wrong?". Your emotions are totally hung up and your calling your girlfriends and best gay friend trying to figure out what went wrong and how much he could have been your husband... I have done this more then once!!! I'm thinking, I'm realizing, there's a reason why he's single. Why's he has been single for so long...he's got issues....and I caught his issues like the plague.

Lesson learned. Why don't I try something different. I, when I'm in my thirties, old and weary, retired, and even near death want someone who played with me, our children, who had a down to earth, amazing, intelligent, sweet, funny, nice, maybe even "mild-mannered, slight slouch, combed back hair and an occasional fedora" personality. But the secret, is that to me, TO ME, he is the hottest, sexiest, hero of my life.

I will not settle for anything but the best..

Clark (Joseph) Kent.

I never thought about this before but I've never gone for Clark Kent. I've always gone for Lex Luthor. Really. Think about it, those of you who have been through my relationships with me.

Nutrition Boy- Blonde, blue eyed, athletic, muscle enthusiast, down right mean- always did what he wanted I gave him a lot, always made me body conscience, O.K. sex, he was a first!

N. the Dick- Dirty Blonde, Blue eyed, car nerd, competitive (let's not forget against me!), again I gave a lot of myself, but he had the ability to rub me the wrong way. Sex started out good, but at the end, he made me feel horrible about myself and I didn't even want him touching me

Jersey Boy- Light hair, green eyes, Athletic, big wig company man, Sex was great- a little freaky, but again, at the end made me very self conscience

Mr. Dec- Feb- Light hair, blue eyes, finance freak, Golf nerd, Athletic, AMAZING sex, but in the end he wasn't ready for something...

Is anyone else seeing a pattern? Besides my inexperienced sex life- It's gotten much much much much better over the years esp with self discovery. BUT let's face it, all those boys had similar facial features, similar characteristics- I am pretty sane, but why the same? Is it predetermined for us to choose one person or at least one type of person?

Well, no more I say! Let's think about Clark Kent.

Dark hair, light eyes, nerdy, but damn the boy looks good in a suit. He's never made Lois feel self conscience, he always gave her security and love. MMMmmm.. That sounds much better then what I've experienced.

Superman and Lex Luthor

Superman had friends. Heck, he even had a great team mate in Lois. But do you think Lex and him were ever buddy buddies? What if they really were somewhere at sometime? College of super heros like in X-men? Some of them were friends before friend-emies...

Sigh.

We all have friends that come and go. Good ones. We grow out of them and others grow until we get really old. But what about a life where you had many short term friends?

I've always had friends. But I can count on one hand the ones who are the deepest of deep. And a few of them it didn't happen until later in life and others have been here for a short time and others, well they're family. Friends shouldn't judge. Friends should understand.

You know what is worse then a fight with a friend or the loss of a friend- a pack of girls who at one time were your friends. ew- just the sound of it is horrible.

I think my freshman and jr year of college really began to define me as a person. I did well those two years- a little Miss Popular, if you will. Dancer, Choreographer, the girl who had it all, including the buff out gym rat nutritionist of a boyfriend. Well, right around then, I lost a high school friend. We simply grew apart. It's been so long, I honestly couldn't even tell you why we stopped talking. It just happened. Maybe because I spend a lot of time wrapped up in Mr. Nutrition and his friends (all of whom grew up since pre-k). Boys can do that-

Anyway, with these new found friends came new adventures. But life has a way of morphing and changing and thus I could only follow. Moving my path to NYC to dance and finish school. Sure they came to one performance. I was ahead of all of them. They were all so stable and monotone. Here I was, unpredictable, different, and alone in NYC. Well, Mr. Nutritionist, as we know didn't last. Cue melt down. Again there's the knock on the door- opportunities and changes a bound.

Well, those friends- let's talk about that. It's always wanted that kubya moment. But how? I was an outsider from the beginning. Sure I saw one good girlfriend out of the group. For so long, it was just her and I. Then Mr. Nutrition got married. Cue Melt down. Really, I'm an outsider. Truly. If anything, sure I was still one couples friend but when did they call? Never. They still had all the others to gravitate too. That's ok, I said. Well one holiday- a big one, ball, Times Square...you know, well the gang came to me! Last minute, but they did and slept on the floor, three to a bed, cramped up all good. Def fun but then what. Nothing.

So the couple who I still chatted with, get engaged. Great. Wonderful. Just want a super single girl wants to know. Well, here it comes (I swear, I should right a song or do a dance the way this is going), life changed. I came home. Job was a mess. Life was a mess. Cue Melt down. I couldn't go celebrate- I was getting my new car (which is a whole other story all in itself). I apologized. Then I was dating...a really nice one when I went for a dress fitting (oh yea, I was now in bridal party along with Ms. Nutrition).

Cue Awkward. I then started to question where I belonged in this whole scheme of things. I understand, it's her day. She's allowed to be crazy, she's allowed to be selfish. But something on my end is not feeling right. So months go by, finally here comes the shower, bachelorette party, etc. Oy, this year has been a big one for me. A BIG change and I'm embracing it. I'm concentrating on ME. Do you hear me, I'm working on ME.

I never went. We're all busy. I'm really busy. I never went.

Cue nasty girls. Cue hateful email. So, in order to possibly get past and close the book, I politely wrote an email stating, " I'm sorry but I'm gracefully declining to be in the wedding party" . I knew there would be consequences. And honestly, me being there was just about her. She needed a body to assist the many many groomsmen. Well, I don't want to be that body. It will never "be as it used to". We're changing, we're morphing.

Breaking up with friends is hard. Probably harder then boyfriends. A girlfriend should be there when it matters the most. Sure, I'll cry. Especially when another girl, who is just ridiculous says " don't take it personal, she's busy, maybe after her wedding". tskt tskt.

Well I hope those gears start up again soon. Coming clean and honest with yourself is always best. New doors can only open up. Head held high..

On a more productive note- I think I spotted Superman in the grocery store today! Even laughed with him. Now if I could only have gotten the courage, when he was loading his groceries into the car to give him my number. Drats!

Beginnings

Like every other fabulous woman in my age group:

I have a career

I have friends and family

I have passions

I am on the road to finding myself and grow as a person

I have a spiritual relationship with myself (more or less with yoga)

I am always trying to better myself and allow to give myself to others

Ok ok, Yes friends and family-holidays are always a plus, esp when you know at the dinner table how to tell your dad you are not a virgin anymore... Yes, career- a really great one which I need to embrace instead of run away from. Passions- still trying to find them- I love yoga- I'm finally breathing correctly thankfully because of a really crazy Yoga teacher who reminds me of my old Russian ballet teachers who have disciplined and regimented me. Finding myself- dreaming and wishing of next moves. Spiritual- does a catholic school drop out count? Not sure of what I believe in anymore. Always trying to better myself, trying to give more of myself...let's just say I'm still working on those...

But I am probably on the same road with every single woman out here. Feeling as though she'll be single forever. Well, today is the day. Today is the day I never have a bad date again. Today is the day I will never settle for mediocre, only the best.

The secret says by sending thoguhts, wishes, ideas out to the universe, the universe will only give back. Well, here it goes...