Acceptance

I'm sitting here on pins and needles. Countdown to beach time has come and I can't go anywhere until this one packaged is delivered to my house. I don't even think the owner of what's physically in that package understands what I've done all week to ensure I receive this package today.

Needless to say, as I am waiting, a tiny break through has been in my mind since late last night. Acceptance. It's quite a big word if you don't believe you can achieve it. My goal for today, accept my life for what it is today; honor it, and strive for better tomorrows.

I need to start honoring myself and the work I've been doing. Neglecting myself will not do me any good. Everything will be o.k.

I was watching another, once single NYC girl and last night she made me think. She, had all these questions for herself "how am I going to pay rent?" How will I ever marry?" Who will I ever be worthy of?". Until she accepted herself and really believed in herself, she would never have anything. As soon as she stopped worrying and began accepting- everything fell into place- A great man who loves her, a baby and looking at a bright fabulous marriage.. it made me think... I've got my ducks in a row, I'm striving to be better, truly working on myself- I should start believing a little more...

Just keep breathing..

It's Summer. You'd think I'd be delirious with the thought of sunbathing, Cape Codding, and a whole bunch of relaxing. Well, this is me we're talking about so, No. I'm stressed out over everything.

I want to be someone's number one. I was reading my wonderfully delious books and the main character, when confronted with one whom she thought she could really see herself with, proclaims " I've got to be the number one person in your life, I can't compete". Ok, maybe she's a bit selfish, but she's right. I want to be some one's number one.

About a week ago, I had one of the best days this month. It was a dear friends wedding and I knew her brother (I've written about him before). Right then, I was his number one. The entire night. He'd whisper the sweet nothings, dance with me, tell me all that I wanted to hear. I went home with him. It was good. Not fabulous, but good. All the other wonderful intimate parts of sex came out- the holding, the touching- I haven't felt that close to someone in a very very long time. I relished in it.

Last weekend, I did the double day date. Played tennis with the Lawyer- I couldn't do it. I felt like I was making small talk. I couldn't relax. It felt like work just being in his presence. From there I saw Mr. Sweet Nothings. Sex was unbelievable. At least on my end. Again, the touching, the holding, the laying around thinking nothing and everything.

Now, the weirdness is setting in. I don't want to know that you're purchasing a television this week. I don't want to know that you're not feeling so good. I want. CROSS THAT. I NEED to be the number one. Small talk, everyday talk is what you do with someone that you're in a relationship with. He and I have said what ever happens happens. But let's face it- I'm a girl and when those feelings, impulses in the brain happen- it makes the rest of you crazy. Be the cool girl. Be truthful.

How do people get a significant other? I don' t understand this part. How do two people that I love, grow apart and able to move on to something/someone new so fast? What am I missing, what part of this am I not getting?

Where are my flowers, damn it?!

One of the reasons I like being single because I get to make all the decisions. Last night, two suitors were firing their texts away to me. I hate texting sometimes. I like them when I'm lonely on the road, but when my favorite tv show is on and I have a glass of wine, don't interrupt me, please.

So Suitor 1, we'll call the Lawyer asked me what I was doing tonight. I don't really have any plans- this weekend will be big, but I'm not REEAAALLY doing anything. So we made plans for a movie. I jumped. I jumped the decision.

Suitor 2- We'll call him Brother of a Friend (BoF). He just wants to get laid, wants me to drive him home from this weekend's wedding. I could be the "cool" girl and do it...or I could turn around and say, " You know what buddy, as much as I want to jump your bones- I want to be taken out properly. I want to be dated." I might lose a possibility to get laid, but seriously, what am I truly missing out on?

I woke up this morning and the first thought I has was, "I'd rather be home reading. I don't really want to go out with the Lawyer". mmmm...so after pondering and talking with a dear friend, maybe I need to take this by the horn (so to speak) and well make him work.

So I message him, told him I couldn't tonight. And he replies "That's too bad, I was looking forward to it" ... Damn. Damn. Damn. I think he's a little upset now, but seriously, if he really wants me he'll come a knockin' right?

I need to remember what it is I really want- A take no prisoner, take charge, awesome guy. Someone who takes the reins and plans things for me. Where are my flowers, damn it?

Psychic Powers

Ok, no judging.. So whilst waiting on the train platform yesterday, I was playing around with my Iphone. I have a horoscope app, which I like to read every once in a while. Well- there was this portion that said, " One free Question!"....hook, line and sinker...

Here's my question:
Will I fall in love and meet the right person for me this summer? (again, no judging!!)

The answer took almost 24 hours, and granted it's the most general statement, but made me think!

Hi Susie,
I am so glad you have sent me your question. It is an important one and the number one concern we all share, to be in a good, fulfilling and happy relationship, feeling safe and secure with our partner. Isn't that every girls dream deep down? See, very often a reading conveys what you already know in your heart, Susie. OH crap...That is particularly so when we look at this situation as it is- That I'm not dating and currently way too single? May I remind you that you have an inner voice to which you can choose to listen to or not. All you need to know is right in front of you and it would be wise to follow your intuition.

Ok, Ok, I've been trying to listen to that little voice inside of me-What the situation is...following my gut...well, I got rid of N the Dick...that totally needed to be done- I don't' even feel bad about it. He called last night, you know. Trying to act all business like, finishing the call by saying, " All right, take care now, please out of courtesy, let me know what's up"

But what is going on? There seems to be something that's blocking your success, Susie. It seems there is something you need to learn. I have seen this image often appear when a client lacks confidence and needs to accept themselves as they are first, before seeking a soul mate or committing more deeply to a relationship. If that is the case, and only you know if this rings true, be bold and accept that you deserve what you desire.

Well, that's a part of my goal this year- Love myself more. Sure, I lack a self confidence and always trying to accept myself each day but I'm trying every day to love myself more. Be bold. Mmm...Be bold...that's one to think about.

Looking at a possible outcome I feel that making a small change in one area of your life would affect a change on a grander scale. Why not try it out. You have so many options, just look at them carefully and be creative! You know in your heart what you want, go for it Susie!
I can offer you to explore this issue further in a personal reading with either me or one of my gifted and caring colleagues. We are here to help guide you toward happiness in love. Take me up on this offer click on the button below to create your account and see the many trusted ad visors available to speak with you. Make your choice and you are on your way to a ten minute psychic reading for only $1! Susie, an offer with a great value. Call today!

Options, options, options...What if I really don't know what my options are? Small change...mmmm....

Ok..small change, I challenge myself all next week- I'm travelling to KC to do some interviewing with potential sales reps. I Challenge myself to eat dinner alone at a fancy restaurant in the area, I challenge myself to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee somewhere populated in the morning....then we re-access...

What's it worth...

Dear Self,

What's it worth? Is it worth the aggrivation? Is it worth the feeling so crappy? Would you rather feel like this the rest of your life or would you like to fly and be forever fabulous?

Thanks for thinking,
Susie

I thought I was doing the right thing; answering an Ex. Ding Dong- NOPE. Despite ranging hormones, I answered. Instead of feeling joyful, I got " Susie, do you know what you did?" " Susie, put yourself in my shoes", "Susie, you really have no idea what you did"..

If you're asking, "Susie, what did you actually do?"...I'll tell you.

During post break-up, I was asked to send back a piece of clothing. I yeah yeahed and said I would, said I did- just so I could get this person out of my life. Well, you guessed it- I never sent it and when I moved, I donated it. Fuck him. He was being a pest. Sure I was immature about it but WHATEVER it was almost 4 years ago..we're still going to drag this on?

His answer to me was the lying. He couldn't deal with the fact that I had lied about sending his piece of clothing. If it was lying about cheating, that be one thing. And sure, this is a bit of the stealing..but really? REALLY? Who died and made him a Christian?

I had a fantastic weekend, a great class last night. He decides to text message me. Can't even man up and call to say he is still angry with me. Ruins my entire night. I still don't understand, this is being blown 100% out of porportion. So I asked myself this moring, is it worth putting up with all this nonsense? Because that's all it is- nonsense. And my answer is NO.

So I deleted all senses of him. He needs to grow up, get a life and I'm moving on. This is ridiculous and guess what- I had a hard time orgasming with him anyway. Any you really know what- (this is a good one)...I remember how horrible it was when he found out how many people I slept with. How he went to the Dr because he was convinced that I had something wrong. That I smelled wrong. TOXIC...DEAR SELF- NOTE TO SELF>..WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT AGAIN?

I rest my case. I'm done.

Happy Birthday To Me!

27. I am 27 today. Holy Cow.

Last night, whilst driving home from Yoga, I decided that I wanted to make a NEW list. It's going to be a list of what I would like to accomplish this year- now that I am 27.

To love myself even more then I did at 21, 25, or even at 26
To say "no" and mean it
To purchase something BIG (new car, new home)
To take care of my body better
To Fall in Love with everyone
Find the best in people
Buy a kyack
Get on a team sport
Meet someone new
While travelling, do something I've never done before
To be alright and accept my alone times
Indulge once in a while
read more
school
Figure out London
Be fabulous
walk a dog
Do something alone and walk away better about myself
No purchasing "just cause"
To love my brother more
To love my parents more


When my mom was 27 she was pregnant with me. When one of my best friends was 27, she was getting married. I'm 27 today and I'm alone. I'm not so alone, but figuratively, I'm alone. I'm fabulous, I have a career, I have love all will be alright. 27 will be a big one...I got this...

What the HELL is wrong with Men?

I find myself asking this EVERYDAY lately. I'm so over men.

First Example
Scene: Local Bar
Participants: Myself, Friend (who we'll call Soon To Be Married- AKA STBM) and my crush

Chatting away, talking about local co-ed softball league and how I can get myself involved. When my crush, and he knows it, promptly announces

"Susie, I'll hook you up with my X wives team. It's totally an awesome co-ed team"

Um, you're my crush. Granted you didn't think about what you just said. But WHY in the hell would anyone who would want to get involved with you romantically, physically, want ANYTHING to do with you x wife?

Second Example
Scene-I'm in bed. Who the hell knows where the participant is
Participants: Myself and N. the Dick

Text Message: "You are the one you know. You fucked it up"

UM, excuse me. I think you have the nickname DICK for a reason

Third Example:
Scene: Dinner at bar of nice brick oven Italian place
Participants: Myself and Date who we'll call Shortie

"So, this month, I spend a lot"
Check comes.
I grab
He lets me

A few minutes later, he says, " Don't you know you want to come home with me"

I'm DONE! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!!! DONE... I will NOT settle for anything then the best. So cliche but COME ON. I'm so tired of the misfits, where and how am I gonna meet the right one for me?

I want to date. I want to be swooned. I want chocolate and flowers and little cards that say "I love you" to be found amongst my things. None of this garbage that is. What am I doing wrong??

When asking STBM about dating, flirting and flowers, etc. She told me that she believed it does not happened. But I don't get it. If a man likes you, he'll do EVERYTHING in his power to see you, date you, call you. He'll WANT to be with you. Isn't that how its supposed to happen?

Ugh.... H E L P

Chocolate Cake

Why must you be sooo good.... you knew I needed you today...esp after the work I've been doing!

Travel

So here I am. I'm in Richland, WA til Saturday evening- Great.

On my way, I had a lay over in Salt Lake City. EXACTLY one year ago I had a fling, in Salt Lake City. The second I touched down in Salt Lake I started to reminance. It was pretty badass of me. Meeting a newly "friended" someone in a random city. Not one of that "I'll meet you in St. Louis", no no no, he met me in Salt Lake City. What the HELL was I thinking?

Last year, I was able to go to Hawaii. It was incredible. I was by myself, and slept and ate and slept and ate and was the HOT single Blonde on the beach that you knew men stared at because she's so independent and where's her husband... Anyway, it happened about two weeks prior to leaving, I met a guy. He was cute, dark, handsome and fun. Met for drinks. No hanky panky and I was leaving. Emails, photos, all the fun stuff was send back and forth...I was so far ahead time wise...but he was convinced. He was meeting ME in Salt Lake City. How sexy...so I thought.

I remember meeting him at his hotel. It was such a weird place- typical West Coast hotelier. I remember the anticipation waiting near his elevator. He opened the door and he was wearing dark jeans, blue shirt and a fantastic leather jacket. I don't even remember what I looked like- probably hell since I had been working the entire day. We went up to the hotel bar and it was like everything stood still. The cuddling, the kissing...he couldn't keep his hands off...kinda good...but I felt it. That instinct when it's just not that right...almost weird...

We went down to his hotel room...(Side bar- SUSIE! What the hell were you thinking!?). Had a bit of a make out session and I left. Or rather, he told me he was sleepy. WTF. He's 30, single, and going to sleep. uhhh..ok...Cue number 1 that this might be wrong.

Next day, I finish up work and we head to leave to a different area of Salt Lake for the night before heading back east. Hotel pool- more kissing..a little bit of passion finally turns into an explosion. Nothing bad or horrible about it. Honestly, for the first time in a while, I had multiple orgasms. If anything, I was going to milk this for all it was worth. I mean he did come to meet me in Salt Lake.

We finally hit the next hotel. Both physically exhausted. I'm not crazy- I just have ways. I travel alone, I make messes, I sleep with the air conditioner all the way up. Well, he beat me. After a quick romp- that is all this seemingly was coming to. A romp. I couldn't take being with him anymore. If I wasn't going to be having sex- then why the hell am I with him. (does that make me a bad person? Maybe he was just using me too).

Getting back to bed...he puts on a eye patch thingy. Who does that? and I remember it was 8:30 at night and he wanted to go to bed...I don't want a grandpa! WTF....He rolled over, and I was left there watching some lame program on TV. I couldn't wait to get home.

I had a fling a year ago. He met me in Salt Lake City. It was thrilling, awesome, but gosh I was soo glad to go home and get rid of him!!!

Up Up and Away...

Here we go!!!!!!

May. It's going to be a wild right. A long and very stressful ride. I can do this. I'm heading out today to Detriot. Not much fun there- I'm regretting a little. Detroit. What the hell is there to do in Detroit.

A suitor called. Ok texted. Let's just call him workboots (he was totally wearing workboots when I met him with white socks- WHO DOES THAT!?). 35, big business owner, and stawlker extrodinaire. My favourite line Sunday was "Ok, balls in your court. " Only to have him just text me and say " Just thinking about you and wondering if you hated men still?". (Note Sidebar: with my situation on Friday, my reposonse to workboots when he asked me to hang with him on Sunday was that I hated men and it wasn't a good time- when in reality, I had been out ALLL Saturday night and it was raining...I still hated men.)

So what now, he's texted me- just not text back? He's very nice- kinda cute. Would treat a girl like gold but I'm not a big fan of annoyence. Maybe I should just suck it up and go out with him during the day, and let him know that I'm just looking for awesome friends to see where things go? I don't know- that never works out. MMmmmMmm...plus let's face it- May, you're going to be very busy traveling. Oy Vey...

Who let's one go at 2 in the morning?

It's Monday. It's still gloomy outside. Regis and Kelly are still going on behind me. My beach picture wouldn't upload. It's Monday.

Can we talk about Guts? Like your inside Gut. I need to keep remembering how important and how right I am when I just listen to myself and shut out all the surrounding other noises. Dear Self, please listen to yourself more. It's important.

My gut told me something immediately on Friday night. That little voice that said, "Susie- this is feeling right". I met up with a guy, who I have been dating for the past month or two. I say "or two" because let's face it, he canceled on me 3Xs, never called when he was supposed to and the big ringinger, he let me drive home at 1:30 in the morning...Gut, I tell you, Gut. So anyway, I go to meet up with him- a friends house in Monroe, who's girlfriend is coming over later. In my mind, I'm thinking this dude is probably awesome, and pictured his girlfriend as way fabulous. Well, now- I was wrong. So my guy, meets me at my car and kisses me. It was wrong- he went for it, but it was wrong. Double wrong. I had a pit in my stomach- I felt it. Gut, was that you?

OH! Wait- the girlfriend- OH MAN- she's skinny white girl Rastafarian- who seemed like she was on drugs. CRAZY. So the night is going on, and my guy is attentive, cute, and supper cuddly. All I'm thinking is- do not give in, he's got to prove to you that he's not going to cancel, he's going to call and all I'm thinking when kissing is, "something just isn't the same, he's already messed this up".

Night was actually great. Besides my predicament. Fire pit, water, beers, hanging in the light breeze of spring. But then it was time to leave.

"Are you coming back to my house", he asks.

"um, do you want me to? It's a bit late" says me.

He's Pondering, cautious and replies, " No. How about you be at my house when you wake up. We'll go to the bridge, we'll go golfing and make a day of it".

"Great! I'll be there with coffee in hand by 11", says me kinda beaming... GUT- this is where I messed up. Should have listened. BUT before I go on, I must tell you the ENTIRE TIME he said how much he couldn't wait to show me his friends house, couldn't wait for me to come, so thankful that I was there...Gut- now you know why I was so conflicted.

The next morning happens. 10:15-

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done this to you. I still have feelings for my x. ..."

Notice there are a lot of "I" in there and that's not the entire message as I completely deleted it. I called. You can't just send a message- we're not 15, you call me.

He's conflicted, doesn't want to hurt me. He truly has feelings for his x and can't do anything with me because it wouldn't be true to himself. He listened to his Gut, why did I have a hard time doing so? I get it. Sure it hurts, he didn't pick me. I cried. I called on my friends. He didn't pick me. But it was there all along. Who let's one go at 1:30 in the morning?

Saturday night was better. I am so happy that I have found good solid friends. It's hard meeting girls to be friends with. Really really hard. And even harder to meet young, single men.

So now, I have a crush. I've had this crush since the moment I met him. Crush- total school girl crush. I can't even look at him without blushing. I'm shy- but I'm so not. I have garbage mouth the second I try and talk to him- I don't do that! I'm a strong, independant woman who goes after goals. I have a crush. Crap.

He's so cute though. He winks at me! Every time he does, I kinda melt a bit inside. He's super tall and strong, last night I actually went to bed thinking of how great it would be to have his arms wrapped around me. I DIE!

I have a crush : )

I'm ok. I'm better. I'm back. It's Monday, I will take this day and run with it.

Needs a Sign...

Dear Universe,

Come on now!!! Stop toying with me! I beg you!

Today I got, "Susie....I need to cancel again." Not even an apology. What's that saying, fool me once, fool me twice...this is FOURTH STRIKE! YOU ARE SOOO OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!

I'm Single. I'm Fabulous.

I'm Single. I'm Fabulous.

I'm Single. I'm Fabulous.

I'm stuck. I'm so stuck. Please please please..How do I go forward?

Thanks,
Susie

I want you to want me...

Isn't that how that silly song goes? You know, it's the kind of song that gets forever stuck in your head....

Well- It's true. I want someone to want me. I want someone to uncontrolably want me. Not for one night, not for one day...but someone who'll want me always.

Universe- I'm putting it out there...please be nice.

Positivity

Good things. Sunshine. Cats. Wine. Chocolate. CapeCod, Beach, books...I can not wait for this weekend. I will promise to enjoy, relax, and not stress for it is just not worth stressing over anything when you're in Cape Cod.

How old is too old? For the first time ever, I've been thinking more and more about my age..This week, a favor for the owner of my company, turned into me meeting a 23 year old, model turned newly engaged, looking for a second job. Crap. 23, engaged, starting a career (seeming very interested in portions of my job), going to Bali. Crap. Crap. Crap. Thoughts immediately went through my brain, you can only imagine. Crap. I've always been the younger go-getter, tables turned. How does one keep confidence in their life and work, when exposed to new employees?

Well, I think I've decided on something. I recently was reading a new blog, and the blogger wrote about not getting along with someone. I don't get along with people. Sometimes I just don't mesh well. I'm nice to everyone. But with this new younger, beautiful, hip chick, maybe I'll do what the blogger suggests, I'll hang with her. Be the wiser, I know the business. I am awesome...

Last night was great. Superwoman powers, my mojo, came back. It's so great when that happens. Especially after not 100% knowing what's going on in your current relationships with people. Well, I did something fun. I surrounded myself with new people, and a good new friend. Not only was I hit on passing through a toll (I don't care that he was a creeper, had a wedding band on- Still Counts!) but I met a bartender. Always a plus in life to meet bartenders, they are like therapists. He's a divorcee, two kids and 40. Well, what does a 26 yr old have in common with a 40 yr old with kids? I don't know- maybe a little something, maybe nothing. But you know what, it's meeting a new friend. And new friends lead to meeting other new people. It's a bit exciting.

Onward HO Thursday! I come to conquer you and be fabulous as ever!

Pondering...

Oy, Here we go again!

It's been a while, but just as Bikram says, " You're never to old or too late to start again". Life has been a bit hectic and I haven't been nice. I'm always the "nice" girl. But when you've found me in my bad days, watch out...the true Gemini is COMING OUT! I'm not bi-polar, I just don't want to be around you right now.

I just finished a huge work event and I'm about to embark on another month of them. Jetting coast to coast, I'm ready, I think. Needs to focus energy elsewhere...

Yesterday, all I could think about was "I hate"

I hated the rain
I hated treking in the rain
I hated having to meet some chick who is a super model
I hated having to wear rain boots
I hated being cold
I hated going into NYC
I hated that I felt like shit

Dear Self,
I am sorry you hated so much of yesterday. Today is a new day, love something or someone.

XOX
Susie

OK ok ok...

I love Sassy (the blue/green eyed cat monster who sleeps and takes over my bed)
I love that I'm HOME
I love that I had a good experience at the UPS store
I love that there is Lady Gaga in the world to blast
I love that soon, I will be in the sunshine of Cape Cod.

Focus Energy Elsewhere...

London Calling...

If I could be any of Jane Austen's heroines, I'd be Emma. She's amazing- I truly love this character. I love that she is a bit naive, wondrous, creative and yet an incredibly strong female, who if it was her would never marry, ever happy to be at home in Highbury taking care of her family. She does doubt herself- trying to reason with herself regarding her choices of not going to London to see any of the births of her only sisters 5 children. And as she matures, she, like me will make stronger, confident and wiser choices. And let's face it- will come to realize that she does truly love and always has the incredible Mr Knightly.

Today, I promise to find that little piece of Emma in me. Confidence, loyalty, creativity, and strive for greatness. There is a piece of Emma, with proper manners whom will never go below her social standards- well, maybe I shouldn't either...

I say this in regards to my dating history. As of a lately there has been a suitor. Only slightly and if I were Emma, I should just look the other way. He is, you could say like a Mr. Elton. Below my social status- or not necessarily characterized within the pyramid of social ladder but work wise; I have risen above more so then he. He doesn't read, doesn't care for schooling, believes that he knows everything and willing to make a buck off of what I would feel would be cheating myself- especially at 30.

Marry up. Date up- same thing? Emma would never marry below her social class. She has been brought up within a certain way. Sure things do not necessarily work as they do the 18th Century- but HOT DOG! I think there is something to be learned from here. Again, why would I even THINK about dating someone who doesn't have aspirations, dreams, hopes, and shares some ideas that I have been brought up knowing? This one, I can hear all my girlfriends telling me, and seriously I knew this all along, don't sell yourself short- even if I am just dating...

London is calling. I'd like my own Mr. Knightly or even Mr. Darcy. A dreamy accent, a witty comment, biscuits and tea, someone to asking me to "walk with"... hehe

In all seriousness, this feeling of London isn't leaving me. I want to go- be surrounded by something unfamiliar, be wonderful charming, an Emma in a world unknown- just as she left Highbury, I think I can leave Orange county for a bit...

Wedding Bells

I'm in Lousville, KY sitting in a hotel room, in the early afternoon. It's cold. It was only 52 degrees in here last night! The heat smelled- I woke up this morning smelling the French Toast from the downstairs lobby. Normally this aroma would have been the best smell ever but when you just want to sleep, I could have done without. But it loured me downstairs- I am thankful for the pretty good coffee.

Marriage. That's what I'm reading about. It's been subconsciously streaming through my mind, hell- don't we as woman, want to be married? Big dress, bridesmaids, flowers, CAKE, and oh, yeah that other person standing in front of an entire congregation and GOD confessing that he will love you for ever.

I'm starting to look at Marriage in a different perspective. As a merging of two families, in futile times, this allowed for a bigger clan. The clan offers protection and support. The bigger the clan the more support and protection against other clans. These clans grew bigger, and became Serfs, Lords, Ladies, Kings and Queens. The church got involved, marriage became a barder over kingdoms. Then there are other realms, arranged marriages, dowries, and my FAVORITE ghost marriages. Here in China, woman who made there wealth, they're own money!, could ask for a ghost marriage to a wealthy dead man. Shit. That works. Accumulate his wealth and yet be your own person- that's not looking like a bad decision.

Today there was an interesting commentator on the news. He said that girls are far out educated then the men. That parents of boys should beware- if the teacher says he's going to "catch up" in his reading and math skills- guess what, go get your son a new teacher because he's not going to excel. Well think about it, more woman because Doctors, Lawyers, Judges, Police, Nurses, the more education the more wealth, the less she is likely to find herself in a situation where she more then likely will be like me, single. Checking the single box on everything. And what about those boys who will be lacking in education, well how are they going to get wives? Where are they going to get wives? Cue Mail Order....

Some have told me that my travelling is not good. Sure I get tired- but it's an adventure. Men have always been scared of my travelling. Why? My fellow older women folk of the depression area would tell me I should be home with babies and keeping home for my husband. But who knows, maybe in the same breathe they would tell me to continue what I'm doing. But what if the men are scared that I'll meet someone better then them on the road? I don't have an answer, but I'm not going to stop doing what I believe is my adventure.

Anyway, back to marriage. Because I travel does it mean I will lack in the department? Do I have a predestined plan via the universe that I will be independant and strong and my own bread winner (that scares me)?

I do have one realization: infatuation. Quite a few of the men I have been with, seriously, has been an infatuation. Think about it. When I thought I couldn't breathe without this person. I can, I totally can but at those points, I was dying without them. My question to myself is- Was this person a friend? Did they love me for all my faults and yet join in whatever adventure I may encounter? NOPE- big FAT NOPE.

I'm done with the infatuation. Love can be romantic. Marriage can sound romantic. But it's also realistic. I'd like someone to get and be able to work with my faults. That'd be love. Someone who can put up with me. But on the other hand, a good, Clark Kent guy, whom I can love, he's going to have faults too. And I promise who ever that person is, I will love those faults.