Just keep breathing..

It's Summer. You'd think I'd be delirious with the thought of sunbathing, Cape Codding, and a whole bunch of relaxing. Well, this is me we're talking about so, No. I'm stressed out over everything.

I want to be someone's number one. I was reading my wonderfully delious books and the main character, when confronted with one whom she thought she could really see herself with, proclaims " I've got to be the number one person in your life, I can't compete". Ok, maybe she's a bit selfish, but she's right. I want to be some one's number one.

About a week ago, I had one of the best days this month. It was a dear friends wedding and I knew her brother (I've written about him before). Right then, I was his number one. The entire night. He'd whisper the sweet nothings, dance with me, tell me all that I wanted to hear. I went home with him. It was good. Not fabulous, but good. All the other wonderful intimate parts of sex came out- the holding, the touching- I haven't felt that close to someone in a very very long time. I relished in it.

Last weekend, I did the double day date. Played tennis with the Lawyer- I couldn't do it. I felt like I was making small talk. I couldn't relax. It felt like work just being in his presence. From there I saw Mr. Sweet Nothings. Sex was unbelievable. At least on my end. Again, the touching, the holding, the laying around thinking nothing and everything.

Now, the weirdness is setting in. I don't want to know that you're purchasing a television this week. I don't want to know that you're not feeling so good. I want. CROSS THAT. I NEED to be the number one. Small talk, everyday talk is what you do with someone that you're in a relationship with. He and I have said what ever happens happens. But let's face it- I'm a girl and when those feelings, impulses in the brain happen- it makes the rest of you crazy. Be the cool girl. Be truthful.

How do people get a significant other? I don' t understand this part. How do two people that I love, grow apart and able to move on to something/someone new so fast? What am I missing, what part of this am I not getting?